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Unprofessional ramblings.

[film] Life at Banbury

14/8/2021

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Something special filmed in the final weeks with my recently separated Oxford housemates, made possible by a semester of story-worthy episodes, and edited on planes and in quarantines. Almost every scene cites an anecdote worth sharing - feel free to ask me! I was convinced to make a wince-inducing director's commentary, which I hope doesn't mar the whole thing. A very fun exercise in screenwriting, building props, managing actors and tinkering with Premiere Pro. 
​
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[poem] Of better luck

10/8/2021

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Of love
Then the spell was cast, its tendrils
creeping under doorways, pluming
bedside. Red-eyed sleepless glooming.
Restful dozing. In both blooming

wicked dreams of requite. Scenes of
softly gazing blue, and through
the cracks in walls and principles
​the spell had reached me too.
Of loss​
If you thought yourself of better luck
than suffer twice your prior dues:
you'd better fetter further funds
for now your debts are two.

And to you who struggles under ruck
with troubled knees and back askew:
the buckling bodes a doubled load.
Woe, now you carry two.

And of ghosts that haunt when sleep has struck
with mask unstuck: the melting glue
lets air another face to rue.
You now encounter two.

But were muses sought, each to induct
in pleas and poems, both eschewing
growth from former troth, it's true:
You're now endowed with two.
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[story] Torture in Dubai

8/8/2021

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How does one become stranded in the United Arab Emirates and consider a new life of asylum in Turkey? It takes a surprise Malaysian airport policy, a team of ill-advised Emirates staff, a ruthless British telecom company, an Australian government apathetic to repatriates, and a touch of overzealous Hong Kong testing regulations to taste.

It is the 29th of June, and with the end of Oxford term looming, I sit down to buy a one-way ticket home. It is ominously difficult; price gouging has invalidated most of the packages sold by aggregator sites, leading to a frenzy of clicking, swearing, and error messages after payment pages. By a miracle later realised a divine prank, I find a £1500 ticket for a marathon journey from London through Dubai, Kuala Lumpur, Singapore and finally Melbourne. A treacherous 36 hour adventure including two layovers of only 105mins, operated by Emirates and Scoot, but thankfully secured three days before Australia would halve the number of repatriation flights, sending prices to £30k. The then pressing issues of being unable to secure my second vaccine in time, and booking my pre-flight PCR test perilously late before forgetting my passport, would amount to only amusing minor inconveniences.

A month later, I am there; sprawled out on the London Heathrow floor trying to remove £500 worth of overweight luggage from my bags. That evening's lucky janitor goes home with a copy of Rushdie's Midnight's Children, some fetching coats, an over-prioritised wrench, and a kilogram of hard candy (sorry Luke!) - I suspect Benenti's Principles of Quantum Computation didn't make it out the door. That I kept some old shoes and a cat mask can be attributed to the only quality of decision making possible after a night awake frantically cleaning. The check-in lady's mercy over the remaining baggage excess took the form of a £154 fee, or 83% of my bank balance. She next insists I install the 'MySejahtera' app to register myself for transit in Kuala Lumpur, though this app won't accept a home address outside Malaysia (I'm now a registered resident of the airport) nor text a confirmation code to my British mobile with dwindling battery. Worn down by my gormless sleep-deprived expression, she would eventually send me through to my first Emirates flight. A £500 loan from the very sweet Anna Moloney buys my excess baggage for the Scoot flights, and I settle into a restful delirium, unphased by a broken plane tug delaying my first departure, and an announcement that many of my fellow passengers from UAE were yet untested. Life is good.

The first domino falls in Dubai. With the ever-shrinking layover windows in mind, I rush ahead to the gate for my Kuala Lumpur flight and ask to have my seat moved forward. Queue a storm of uneasy phone calls, summoned supervisors, and concerningly deeply furrowed brows. The man tells me I cannot board, since my Kuala Lumpur transfer requires a terminal change, forbidden by Malaysia's National Recovery Plan enacted 29th June - the day of my ticket purchase. He sends me to the grossly unhelpful Emirates help desk who inform me that the next flight to Melbourne is fully booked, and there are no remaining flights until mid-September. They muse that since I have entered the United Arab Emirates, a member of the UK's red list, they cannot return me to London for otherwise prohibitively expensive hotel quarantine. That I am, it would seem, stranded, and that my bags have potentially left for Malaysia. These revelations pulled like teeth over several hours from frenzied staff inundated by other indignant passengers off-loaded from a myriad of flights through Southeast Asia, but whom in their fortune could be flown through other routes; I would be alone in my hopelessness.

After receiving eminently bad advice to enter Dubai and seek travel agents (insistently unable to be telephoned) with 'hidden' reserved seats on tomorrow's full flight - likely a callous attempt by airport staff to rid themselves of me - and the disheartening but ultimately incorrect news there were no upcoming flights to any Australian state, I grow suspicious of the Emirates 'help'. It is time to alert my family. First, my mother puts me in touch with an Australian travel agent who marvels at the flight gap but notes a seat remaining on a potential flight to Perth. According to Emirates, there is no such seat. "Turkey will take you", Alli Panelas consoles. Next, my father forwards my situation to the amazing Penny Meallin, a family friend and travel agent, who begins her own search. In the meantime, I settle by a screaming baby and call my booking company to refund the two imminent flights from Malaysia - but the call dies midway. I've hit my roaming allowance, despite being charged by the minute, and my cellular provider Three's egregious user experience totally precludes increasing it without service. Not only can I now not make calls (to airlines, hotels nor COVID nurses), but coupled with Dubai airport WiFi blocking VoIP, I cannot receive voice calls of any kind. It's text chat from here onward.

Hope! Penny finds a final remaining seat on a three-leg flight to Australia, but not without its complications:
  1. It is a business class ticket for $10k AUD - ouch. While held for several hours, it could be cancelled at any moment.
  2. It departs Dubai at 3am in 41 hours, by when my existing PCR test will be invalid, and my homelessness will have reduced me to a grimy puddle.
  3. It arrives in Sydney, NSW, a state currently under lockdown, and border-closed to my home state Victoria. This invalidates my Victoria hotel quarantine registration and plans to file for fee exemption, and would thereafter see me homeless in plague-afflicted shit-hole Sydney.
  4. It transits through Bangkok and Hong Kong. 
It was clear the Hong Kong government wanted nothing to do with me, a fresh traveller through COVID hotspots England and the UAE. A Hong Kong layover meant:
  • ​I would need a new PCR test from an clinic with a strictly ISO 15189 certification.
  • My trip must be printed on a single boarding pass with destination Sydney. If I were issued two tickets, one destined to Hong Kong, then I would not be permitted to enter Hong Kong and would be barred from boarding in Dubai.
This seemingly ridiculous latter condition proves a huge dismay for the Emirates staff, who, co-operating the trip with Cathay Pacific Airways, cannot guarantee to print the ticket correctly. It takes over two hours of staff deliberation, calls to Hong Kong International, and tongue clicks and head shakes from highly strung supervisors until I am offered the much awaited assurance; that they will refund the ticket if I am unable to board, which they cannot confirm for the next 24 hours. Gee, what a relief... 

A tentative escape planned, and a new $10k debt to my father. Next comes the COVID test, to be taken immediately if the results are to arrive in time. Fortunately Dubai airport has a COVID testing facility. Unfortunately, it is both outside of the transit area, and does not meet Hong Kong's certification requirement. I will need to hire an ISO-certified travelling nurse to enter the airport and administer the test in a DHA-compliant location. This means leaving transit, immigrating into Dubai, meeting the nurse in the departure terminal, testing in the airport facilities, and reporting my case to the Dubai check-in staff. And all organised and communicated over WhatsApp text chat for a one hour rendezvous. Easy, right?

With my over-stuffed gym bag boring into the ruined remains of my shoulder, I set off for an unpleasant encounter with immigration. My footsteps echo down a cavernous marble hall that I can scarcely see the end of, filled with fifty indistinguishable gates and a labyrinth of velvet ropes. In my sleepless drunkenness, the signs make no sense; so I duck under ropes to the nearest gate and plead my case to two impressively bearded men, who, confused by my need to immediately re-enter the airport, suggest I ask Emirates for a chaperone, and loosely gesture to the other side of the hall. To my frustration, my situation is analysed afresh by that Emirates desk. They take my documents, summon supervisors, recheck the Hong Kong layover requirements, and 40 minutes later, send me back to immigration without a chaperone - "it's all in your profile" they reassure me. Saving a minute's walk, I proceed to the now nearest gate and battle to make out a woman's stern voice behind a Plexiglas screen and a niqab. She directs me to remove my mask and glasses and face a camera above a black screen, which appears to stretch and pulsate. Hallucinating and barely standing upright, I turn to report the screen remains blank, redon my glasses in a futile attempt to better understand her impatient muttering, and receive a vicious "did I tell you to look away?". I turn back and chuckle in exasperation, which only upsets her further. "What's so funny?" she demands, but the prospect of my ordeal worsening with the hostage of my passport by an irate and virtually unintelligible immigration officer only amuses me further. "Your passport is broken" she announces. "Get it stamped over there and come back."

I sheepishly wander back passed the Emirates desk, passport in hand, which had indeed been water damaged from within Chris Whittle's pocket seven years earlier in Italy - and it never ceases to benefit me. A new face behind a new desk lazily flips through my passport and instructs me to return to immigration, stampless, deaf to my protests. "Avoid the angry woman" he advises. This time I brave the longer walk across the hall to my original gate, where the bearded men also fail to activate my passport chip. After some time, they permit me through with a wink, and I journey on to the airport testing area, where I am met with suspicion by the non-certified nurses. My travelling nurse arrives just after, dishevelled and looking very much out of place, and ignites a heated argument with airport staff who insist we are not permitted to use their space. As the battle moves telephonic with Emirates Passenger Relations, my nurse quietly mentions he could test me in his car parked outside, or if I prefer, to simply "send my test off now". Bewildered, I decline. Airport staff at last relent and admit us to a cubicle right beside where we have pointlessly fought, in which they illegally join to spectate the nurse shove a swab no more than a centimetre into my nostril and declare "done!". 

I drag myself to check-in. It's 5.30pm, and I've been on my feet in Dubai airport for 11 hours. But this latest desked man has no sympathy. Since my flight departs in two days, it is too early to enter the airport. I implore him to check my profile, which only raises a new concern in him that I will not be admitted into Hong Kong. More phone calls, more supervisors, more delirious swaying. He tells me I must return to check-in at 10pm, when staff will "send my documents to the Hong Kong team" so that I do not find myself off-loaded at the gate once again. He brushes me away to wait at the nearby Costa, where I dismay at the communicative gap and decentralised authority of the Emirates airline. I dare not sleep, in fear my intense exhaustion will keep me unwoken into a new disaster. A WhatsApp message from passenger relations arrives; "Did they mention complimentary hotel accommodation at the connection desk?". They had not, and there was no way back to them now.

Four and a half hours later, I re-approach check-in. A new man with a new understanding and a worse disposition receives me; but I am still too early. He knows of no Hong Kong team, and impassively reads aloud - above another crying baby - the required documentation for my trip, which includes impossible evidence that I have "prepaid" my Australian quarantine package. By now I cannot stand, so perch on the baggage belt before security shoos me off to involuntarily shake with rage at my mistreatment. I demand either admission or accommodation, spurring yet more phone calls, disappearances into backrooms, and by 11.30pm, conceded promises of a hotel. I pass out on the three seats I am moved between before being put in a car. At farewell, my check-in tormentor presses me to "book my quarantine" and I tell him he is "stubbornly misinformed". My chauffeur offers the first sympathetic ear of the ordeal and I am admittedly sad to leave him at Le Meridien Hotel, which in the day's final twist of the knife, claims to have no notice of my stay. Another phone call, another tepid resolution, and I am at long last given a room. It is now 12.30am, 18 hours since I landed in Dubai, 30 hours since I left Oxford, and except for a disturbed nap on the plane, approximately 58 hours since I have last slept. I order dinner, send a hurried email to the Australian Consulate-General in Dubai (failing to contact NSW Health), and sleep deeper than death.

The next day begins uncharacteristically smoothly; my PCR comes back negative, along with an ISO certificate; my change of Australian travel declaration from Melbourne to Sydney poses no new problems, despite violating the 72 hour margin; the consulate confirm by email that NSW quarantine requires no advanced booking. I miss breakfast, and my food voucher won't afford me a room service steak, but I am otherwise well cared for. There is even time to write by the pool! Only when my chauffeur arrives an hour late (for our four minute drive across the road), and the hotel begins to ask why I haven't yet checked out, does my luck swing back to its proper place. It's midnight, but I am well rested for my third check-in skirmish and the countless telephone calls to come. One man quickly becomes four men insisting I need proof of my quarantine booking, reluctantly persuaded by the consulate's email. There's quiet talk about my baggage, which I overhear has miraculously made it to Melbourne without me, but will beat me to Sydney. Thirty minutes of my potential business class lounging are eaten at the desk before I am handed two tickets; to Hong Kong, and to Sydney. Erm - I stress the importance of having a single printed ticket to comply with Hong Kong's draconian airport policy, but am told it is simply impossible; if I am to board, it is with these separate tickets. I can only hope today's gate staff are satisfied.

Incredibly, they are. I am assured Hong Kong airport staff have been informed of my situation, and enjoy 12 hours on the plane's undoubtedly crappiest business seat, with a screen 2m from me occluded by the sun's glare. Nobody arrests me in Bangkok, and staff wait by the plane in Hong Kong to escort me directly to an administrator who strangely isn't compelled to grimace at my documents nor whisper into a telephone. Only 15 hours and an unfamiliarly comfortable flight later, I am in Sydney airport. My bags are here, but that containing my most precious keepsakes has been torn along the bottom, spilling photos and graduation trinkets onto the baggage belt - but I expected nothing less. I'm soon on a coach with a man in full hazmat, and herded into a despairingly small hotel room filled with buzzing lamps and a broken kettle, where I'm put on a diet of inedible meals of thankfully tiny portions, until beating out the boomers in Zoom Bingo to earn some survivable calories in Tim Tam form. Of course, only after organising a new flight and a travel permit to enter Victoria, do I learn Victoria has entered lockdown which has extended passed my expulsion from Sydney quarantine. What awaits me in that airport is known only by the cruellest of Gods.

We have reached today, day 8 of quarantine. There are no lessons here worthy of the damage done on this misadventure, but I offer these relevant reminders:
  1. Don't travel during international pandemics, but if you must, fly direct.
  2. Don't make the mistake of trusting Emirates staff.
  3. Airport supervisors wear red ties.
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[talk] A talk on toilet paper replenishment (NSFW)

11/2/2021

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Seriously, this tongue-in-cheek presentation to my Oxford college peers is not safe-for-work. You've been warned!
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[story] The St Mary's house of horrors

16/11/2020

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This is the true story of my 2nd-year flat in Oxford, shared with 5 unsuspecting friends. A story that the postgraduates of Corpus Christi College are tired of hearing. A long, infamous story of infestation, flooding, deadly gas and acoustic torture in a flat that left us sullen and sleepless for an entire year. A flat of unrelenting horror. A door down from an inoffensive pub and a simple church. Alas, any God had turned a blind eye to the happenings on St Mary's Rd. 

Like every resident in Oxford's underbelly of Cowley, we had our fair share of crime and harassment; Three locked bikes stolen from our front garden, and in their place once huddled a cosy pair, together enjoying the sweet sting of heroine; Lulling screams of 3am street brawls through our unglazed eastward windows, which left us freezing in winter and blistering in summer; Our trash searched and thrown about nightly, and on the fateful rugby evenings at the Black Swan, we additionally enjoyed every square inch of our street-front being coated in the spirituous piss of armies of drunken men. Yes, we were truly knee-deep in Cowley culture.

Indoors was no respite; we soon learned not all previous tenants had vacated. Something burrowed up through the fireplace at night, spreading ash across the floor and scattering unwelcome surprises along the basement staircase - a basement near impenetrable due to a ceiling-high stack of old furniture and garbage charitably left behind for pests to shelter in. A rat the size of our (soon to be feces-covered) toaster chased us away and to the letting agent, who begrudgingly had the basement cleared and the house baited with poison. From inside the walls, the now decomposing rat corpses unleashed the second plague upon the house; black flies, the size of marbles and emerging hundreds in number every day despite a fierce battle fought with insect spray and a Henry Hoover. The ordeal made the early pigeons cooing from within the walls a soothing morning delight.

That the flat stood upright (unlike the backyard fence) was itself a miracle. Beyond snow-season-ready unclosable sky-windows and quick-detach doorhandles that threatened to lock us in our rooms, the plumbing left much to be desired; An anonymous pipe dripped something sinister and unidentifiable onto the basement floor, which pooled beneath a ceiling hole and soaked the groundfloor bedroom carpet with the unyielding stench of piss; The washing machine, perhaps being fed water from the upstairs toilet, infused our clothes with the pungent aroma of human shit, which followed me in-suitcase to Japan and back; The temperature of the upstairs showers was impossible to adjust from absolutely scalding, except inexplicably by the divine hand of Patrick Inns (God bless). 

And my God, what Godless showers. They were barely more than spout and floor. The drain was clogged daily with arm length hair, which had worked its way through the pipes and become indestructible. After mere minutes, shower water was flooding out of the basin, over the bathroom floor, down through the tiles and exploding dust-soaked through the kitchen lights. Gallons of bleach and Drano were poured down in vain, which on one auspicious evening, erupted into a hot yellow cloud that pierced the eyes and left us short of breath. Only after did a flatmate warn us a visiting plumber had treated the drain with sulfuric acid, and our acid-base reaction had filled the bathroom and upstairs corridor with deadly chlorine gas. At last our letting agent was persuaded to mechnically unclog the shower pipes, which was attempted on my birthday, and the day my last remaining flatmate left for Christmas break. To celebrate my new loneliness, the plumber burst open the waste pipe, gushing grey water water down through the kitchen ceiling and walls, and over the counters, appliances and crockery. Anything sent from the upstairs toilets would arrive neatly through carved holes onto the servery. 

Yet, home invasion, dilapidation and a shit-stained kitchen were the least of our agonies. Our true haunting came from the neighbour's property. An incessant torment which drove us to the brink of insanity, and to war with the council; The neighbour's off-balance boiler fan. It rumbled. Every few minutes, it switched unpredictably between two modes; 'loud whirring and grinding' and 'low hum of a car idling on the roof'. It vibrated our walls seemingly at resonance, creating an acoustic torture chamber that left our middle floor bedrooms uninhabitable. Drowned out by traffic in the day, the drone of the fan crept upon us at night and made sleep impossible. We rolled around restlessly in cold sweat, cursing aloud each time the fan changed modes. We tried industrial earplugs, moving our beds around to find quiet nodes among the standing waves, and swapping bedrooms when our sleep deprivation bubbled over. Flatmate relations were breaking down, and we begged each other for just one more night away from the worst afflicted rooms.

The neighbours ignored our pleading letters for weeks, then did their landlord, then did our letting agency. The Oxford City Council were reluctant to intervene, citing that the neighbour's engineer had deemed the fan 'functional', and demanding video evidence of an auditory phenomenon well below in pitch what any smartphone microphone could hope to pick up. After months of angry emails, phone calls and frustrated meetings at the council, two workers visited our flat in an after-hours emergency appointment. We stood hushed, them in uniform and us in our pyjamas, intruding Andrea Vitangeli's messy bedroom. We held our breaths, practically frothing at the mouth, as the fan quietly hummed. Finally, the younger worker's whisper punctuated the silence; "that'd drive me crazy - no, I couldn't sleep through that". Alas, the older half-deaf and half-brained worker was unconvinced, and indignantly insisted we must apply to rent a special low-frequency microphone from the council if we wanted any hope of help. This proved an elusive microphone with a long waiting list, which never graced our flat. 

Tired and defeated, we fled St Mary's, joining the wailing choir of damned souls whose mail turns up in stacks of hundreds on the doorstep daily, never to be opened nor returned. Now far from Cowley, and the ordeal having long ago become a stale and irritating talking point, I still sometimes wake in fright from dreams of unending stench, blisteringly hot showers, blood curdling screams of crack addicts and monotonous rumbling. I very much doubt that Patrick Inns, Robert Laurella, Andrea Vitangeli, Lisa Schut, Hannah Estcourt and myself will ever fully recover.

Let this story impart upon you these valuable lessons three:
  1. Avoid College & County and NOPS like the plague (hit me with Libel you negligent, defrauding fucks).
  2. Never mix bleach and acid. 
  3. When the sun goes down, and a shimmering moon casts its menacing gaze upon Cowley, stay far far away from 70 St Mary's Rd.
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[music] Till There Was You

15/11/2020

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A post shared by Tyson Jones (@tybabyjones)

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[poem] Denial

9/8/2020

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Sometimes one feels poorly.
​For days, then weeks, then months.

The torture is littered with little reprieves; sunny afternoons; days when hope, productivity and distant measures of self-worth come flooding back and convince one that their sorrows, already blurring in memory, were just fleeting artefacts from some undiscovered but insignificant hiccup in lifestyle. Maybe one wasn't eating properly. Ho hum, more fruit to come. Maybe the neighbour's fridge was vibrating the bedroom wall in just the right way to foster bad dreams and feelings of dread. Thankfully their latest renovation has moved the fridge away, so today's morning feels a little more like one remembers it ought to. Feet first out of bed, and to the shower, with no lying on the floor. Or maybe the troubling feelings had come from work. Some small dissatisfaction snowballed into a great lethargy because insufficient effort was made to separate work and life. Did one merely burn out? Oh well, today's work is more enjoyed, so work hygiene is a precaution for next time. Maybe instead it was a lover; a whisper in the ear, which despite all the hugs and reassurances, couldn't outweigh what must have been an unconscious but ever growing discontentment. Had the relationship always been parasitic? No matter, they've been pushed away now, scorned for their perniciousness, and this morning's cloudless sky has convinced one it was the right thing to do. Perhaps instead a lover was missing. Recent affairs were fickle and fleeting, and the loneliness had bubbled over, spilled into daily routines and doused the ego. But a new pixelated face has sparked fresh optimism. One could never lie in bed all day with such inspiring beauty at peril. And they like all of one's favourite bands!

But parry to protest, one is suddenly thrust back. Into the bare, the blank, the black. Toppling down the cliff face, plunging unto the depths. Somersaulting clumsily in cause unclear as all before. Had one been struck by something sinister and stealthy, lain awaiting by the edge? Or were it plain to spot as it barrelled onward cliffside, if not for the waning delirium of its previous sting? Why had one even strayed so close to the precipice? Woe, maybe one pulled themselves down in self-sabotage, destined by an inscrutable ballet of genes and neurotransmitters, orchestrated by a crescendoing cacophony of pirouetting molecules whose one in a trillion had heavy-footedly damned the ensemble to a spiralling disarray and a panting heap of tripped feet. One can't know; the black box never budges.

So one stares helplessly to the rushing sea. Prepares to cry through waterlogged lungs. And whether by the currents on the seabed, or the splashes on the shower floor, one is extinguished. Silent and still. Lips askew with head, heavy, unblinking. Though embers flicker when the flames lick; Gears whir when the coin drops; Cheeks drawn smiling and frame propped when friends animate; Alas when the pull string settles, one lies still and quiet. Sluggish thoughts beg the knees to press and the elbows to straighten. Still, still. Until next struck, the TV is static. The shaded leaf wilts and the root withers. Something is festering on the sea floor. The frets chip as the strings wane and mute. The limbs droop limply. The wheel slows and stops.

From that vantage, one cannot feel very well at all. But newer days roll in somehow, and new air with them. And just as suddenly, one feels fine coasting their slopes, wind in hair and a familiar shrug upon the brow. A quiet comfort has replaced that which was numb, and polished boots; the hulking, dark stain at the bedside. How did one permit such a slump? Surely streaks of lowly spirits are as natural as a short spell of cold, or a Sunday under the weather. The missing mornings and swollen nights seem all accounted now in a bout of reckless but incidental indifference to sleep schedule. Understandable, if one isn't properly stimulated. After all, one's duties flittered like their appetite. In fact, hadn't some progress been made notwithstanding; an assuredly impossible effort while crawling beneath the crushing press of a great, melancholic beast bearing down upon the back? Then the affliction couldn't be so great; couldn't be more than a brief strain on the shoulders, unworthy of the faintest alarm, unneeding of cold labels and prescriptions, and overturned at the lightest push. Indeed, through today's clear lens, one can confidently dismiss yesterday's torments, already half buried. How foolish to have let a poor mood spill into the recesses of one's mind, one's ego, and one's floor. How near-sighted to let a fanciful whim extrapolate beyond the measure of one's evening temper, to the space of patterns and trends, into the world of muffled moans and sprawling letters. How embarrassing to have tugged at the hair and starved the mouth. To have begged the pen and torn the canvas. To have teased the bottle and tempted the river.

There's little to learn lingering on all that now. It too has passed. And soon enough, erased. With the floor swept and the curtains drawn, the looking glass is ready to smile back. So one ties their laces all the way, fastens their topmost button, and assumes all the stage positions where one hopes friends still expect to find them. No thought spared for what was missed; what was atrophied; what was lost. Nor what could be described with long, unfeeling, scientific words. It is enough to have reached the spotlight, smiling convincingly. The smile is carried even into the wings. Sometimes passed the sightlines, and sometimes further.

Sometimes one is convinced they feel okay.
For days, then weeks, then months.
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[build] Anti-snooze alarm clocks

12/5/2020

 
Climbing out of bed during an international pandemic is made dangerously difficult by the snooze button.
Here are prototypes of more persuasive alarm clocks.
Results are promising!

[poem] Tormenting reprise

15/11/2019

 
A wince-inducing poem about an ex-lover. We all owe one, right? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Some context to explain the embedded imagery: Living in the same university dormitory, I came to know a unique knock on my bedroom door, and their pitch-perfect whistling down the staircase. Like all passionate relationships among emotionally unequipped teenagers, it ended. Beds, to phones, to nothing. For good measure, I was tormented by unwelcome, nostalgic dreams which threatened to keep me hung up, and keep me awake in protest. And this went on far too long for an adult supposedly not fond of being miserable every other day. This poem began as a codified plea to my closest friends to keep her name unheard and unspoken, but during writing, became itself an attempt at catharsis. I like to think it worked.
From cheek-filled smiles, tight embraces, 
gentle tapping through the door
to teary telephonic vying 
voices pleading "are you sure?".
No more would waking mean mistaking 
morning yawns for song; forsaking
venturing beyond; taking for 
granted every soft kiss planted.

Now, instead, upright in bed, two 
tight clenched arms outwardly reach
and in the darkness, wrangle, strangling 
ghostly necks of ghouls beseeched
to haunt and rouse from drowse hijacked; 
invading gentle taps attack;
unhouse my dozing narrator and 
render me insomniac.

I'm sleeping lightly; weeping nightly; 
leaving lately lit lamps throwing
shadows over weary walls and 
eyes, fixated; searching glowing
screens for scenes which in between 
each whimper, simpler sorrows bring
a brief relief from greater grief, 
beneath preparing morning's sting.

Then up, ensuring bags don't show.
Unsure of woe's kept camouflage.
Assuring though, to every new
relationship's ult sabotage.
Enduring wistful wandering,
distracting day dreams. Squandering
each chance to re-evoke romance,
and none for mopey maundering.

Enough! If help of poltergeists
is priced at five years yearning, earning
undiscerning poems, turning
bedmates back to unconcerning
strangers; scrap the whole affair.
I'll damn my dreams myself, and daren't
sleep if creeping in, come illeg-
itimate concessionaires.

Expelling treasured portraits, over-
seeing cherished film's erase
and from my mind, expunging every
trace of the offending face.
Declaring war when aired, are more
nostalgic propogandas, scored 
by perfect whistling choirs, screening
nightmares shot in sophomore.

Each time her name, in stupor, came 
clumsily tumbling out, begetting
tearful ends, dear friends, amend
through surreptitiously forgetting.
Blue outbursts; to bury. Longing
sighs; decry. Flogging to follow
every woeful wallow. Sorrow's
wrenching grip to firmly pry.

And soon enough, once toughened, sturdied;
curing of the curse contracted.
Fervent feelings fettered; poems
ended 'bruptly; names redacted.
When at last, a peace - with every
longing part deceased - at least
by then I can pretend again
I've forgotten

[music] My Favourite Things

18/9/2019

 
Working hard with the talented Suguru Endo in the Oxford office. Yes, we scrubbed all the important research secrets from the whiteboard first, and no, you shouldn't treat your classical guitar this way.
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